Resume for Candidate #1
I would like to apply for a position at BubbaSoft. I have extensive experience in foundry and factory work, as well as my current position in customer service for a medium size Midwest plastic factory.
In the office I dress up nice, usually shower, and seldom belch. I can tell a great joke, and am not offended by jokes directed at any minority. I have much experience in copying and faxing obscene cartoons for office or national distribution. And I can stretch a lunch hour all afternoon better than any of my current co-workers.
I would be an asset to the BubbaSoft team after hours as well. I am as comfortable at a sporting event, golf course, or strip club as I am in the office. I can speak authoritatively on such subjects as baseball, the 3-4 defense, and rear spoilers on the new NASCAR Monte Carlo. I know what club to use in which situation. I possess a firm grasp on what mixed drink can be consumed in excess without fear of a hangover. And finally, I can tell if a female breast is enhanced or natural from 40 feet.
I will not detail in this forum, as it is not appropriate, the many times I have seen the BubbaSoft CEO naked, rutting like a dog in the street. Nor will I mention the time your Beloved Founder was engaged in intimate sexual congress with a young lady while laying (or is it lying?) on my only winter coat.
Hopefully, the resume I have provided to BubbaSoft today will convince even the most myopic software geek that I would be an asset to the company on itís March To Wherever The Hell Itís Going. I can start immediately, and would be willing to relocate as close to Cheetah 3ís as is possible.
Fuck You For Your Time,
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